Pointless Ramblings

Is there a return policy on this dog? My patience is running thin. Bitsy's pretty easy to deal with, but Nyah... She doesn't know how NOT to get in trouble. I can be watching her from the kitchen, and in the time it takes me to reach into the fridge, grab an item and place it on the counter, she has already helped herself to a leaf off the houseplant, eaten it, and moved on to consume a tennis shoe. I take the shoe away and she jets off into the corner of the living room and starts chewing on a wicker basket. This is how I spend my evenings. And why can't we leave her in our new fenced-in yard? That would be because she has super Houdini skills and is able to twist her chubby self through the 2" spaces between the fence boards and escape. You can't put her in her crate because she cries bloody murder for 2 hours until her vocal cords are no longer even functional. And you people think we need kids??!!